Dear Sirius
by alwayshp
Summary: Remus writes a letter to Sirius soon after the Department of Mysteries.


I sat in the study in Grimmauld Place. Three days had passed since that fateful day in the Department of Mysteries. I felt tears slide down my face as I began to write…

Dear Sirius,

I cannot believe that so soon after I got you back, I lost you again. After all you have done for me over the years, I wish, that just this once, fate would have let it be me. I wanted to take away all the pain for you. The moment I saw you fall through the veil, I felt like a part of me had died as well.

You have been not only my best friend since we were eleven, but something more that we probably did not even know existed. You were the first one to accept me for what I truly was, and for that I can never say thank you enough. From the first moment I saw you with James on the train to Hogwarts, all I ever wanted was to be your friend. You were everything that I wanted to be and everything that I could never be.

As time went on, you became more than just my best friend. I don't think you ever noticed the depth of my feelings for you. You were too close with James. I was always second to you, but being second to you was better than being first to everyone else combined. Even though I was second, I never felt shorted by you. You were the best friend that anyone could ask for.

I loved everything about you, from your exquisite blue eyes to the way you were so protective over Lily. She really was the apple of all our eyes. Since, I guess I am now on the topic of Lily and James, let me apologize for the worst thing I have ever done in my lifetime. I am so terribly sorry for not believing you when you said you did not turn Lily and James into Voldemort. My pessimism got the worst of me. I thought you had finally bought into what everyone else was saying and joined the dark side like the rest of your family. For all the bad thoughts I thought about you, I truly apologize. I hope that wherever you are out there, you can find it in your perfect heart to forgive me. I should have stood up for you. I should have fought for you. I should have stood by your side like you would have done for me.

I do not know if you ever felt the same things for me as I did for you. I got butterflies every time you looked at me. My heart beat quickened. I longed for you to hold me in your embrace, to brush the hair out of my face and tell me everything would be ok. But you never did. And for some odd reason, I can sit here today and say that I am okay with that. The comfort and sense of stability that you gave me, even though you had no idea, has completed my life in a way no one else could. You were my one and only, Sirius. It feels good to tell you after all these years. Sometimes when I am alone, like right now, I can feel you around me. I can feel your arms around me, telling me everything will be ok—just like I have always wanted.

Believe me, Sirius, when I say that I never resented you for not returning my feelings, or even if you did, for never saying anything to me. I never said anything because I was too dependent on our friendship. I didn't want to push you away.

One of the things I loved most about you was the way you were with Harry. You loved him as no one else on this earth could. You were the father figure he never had, the big brother that taught him how to have fun, the sense of family that was ripped away from him. You supported him like no other. You gave your life for Harry, and I know that James and Lily would be pleased with the way you filled you role in his life, even if it was only for a short time. I know that I will never be able to fill that void in his life that you left behind, but I will try every day. I will not let him go at this alone.

God, Sirius, I wish you weren't gone! I feel like I can't breathe without you here! But I vow to you today, that for as long as Iive that I will live for both of us—fighting this fight that took you away from me, that took our friends away from us, that took family away from us. I swear to whoever is out there that I will not go down without a fight. I love you, Sirius. Thank you for all the life you have given me in the years that I have known you. Say hello to James and Lily for me. We will be reunited soon.

With love,

Remus

The quill dropped to the floor as my body was overcome with sobs. The tears that I had been fighting to keep inside spilled out of me uncontrollably.

"You know, he really did love you. He was just afraid of pushing you away," a small voice came from the doorway.

I looked up to see a frazzled Molly Weasley standing before me.

"All this time, he loved me?"

"Ever since that very first day."


End file.
